It’s Time to Adapt to the New Reality of Dating
Tinder’s Ten Year Anniversary
2022 will be the 10 year anniversary of the launch of Tinder (launched on September 12, 2012) and I think it’s safe to say that in hindsight, that launch changed everything when it comes to dating. Touted as a more seamless way to connect with strangers you wouldn’t normally meet and a way to leverage your Facebook profile, I remember the initial excitement and apprehension about Tinder when it was first introduced. Since then, more apps like Bumble and Hinge have piled onto the app dating trend and unfortunately, 10 years later, it remains highly debatable as to whether or not the dating world is a better place now than it was before any of these apps.
If you’ve ever checked out the Weekly Tinder Review thread (r/Tinder) or the Weekly Vents and Successes thread (r/dating advice) on Reddit, you’d see the vast number of people who are not happy with the current app dating paradigm. It reads a bit like a StackOverflow developer thread where people are advising each other on how to interpret the data, apply the best technical approach and hack the process. Advice ranges from the specific - “you need 9 photos, not 10 and not 7…you get penalized for too few” to the more general - “no mirror selfies” and “always include at least one activity photo to show you have friends”. Some of the posts simply share their dating funnel data (number of swipes, number of matches, number of ghosts, number of dates, etc.) in outright frustration. I suppose misery loves company when it comes to online dating. I’ve read estimates that suggest that approximately 50% of Tinder users get less than 5% of the total Tinder matches, while the top 5% of matched users get 95% of all swipes right. With these odds, it’s no wonder there is a great deal of frustration out there.
The New World of Dating
So what happened to the dating world? How did we get into what seems to be a massive virtual psychological experiment about female-male relationships? Well, to start with, the shift to choosing your date primarily based on what is included in a virtual profile has had a massive impact. Gone are the days when men and women gathered in person in social situations as a source of finding a date. In those days, while it was often difficult to gather the courage to speak to a potential partner, at least if you did, you could quickly get a real, live impression of the other person. Personality traits like humor and wit were immediately on display for both parties and there were no filters on what a person looked like in person (unless of course you include alcohol as a filter). Ironically, for all of the efficiency dating apps purported to offer in terms of finding a date, for most people, meeting someone in person would continue to be more efficient, had everyone not moved into the virtual world. For the vast majority, in-person meetings where both parties can quickly assess potential dates across a spectrum of factors (i.e. beyond just a few profile pics and a biographical description) would enable better and faster decisions. Meeting strangers in person also provided at least a chance at meaningful feedback compared with most dating apps that offer zero feedback from potential matches. While rejection is tough, at least in person you get direct closure and potentially some personal insight into why it wasn’t a good fit. In the online world meeting strangers is purely transactional.
Without a doubt, dating apps have made dating easier for some. Many men believe for example that dating apps have made dating easier for women (and more difficult for men) because there are so many more men on each dating platform. The latest data suggests that there are currently nine men for every woman on Tinder. However, I would suggest that this doesn’t necessarily make dating any easier for women, rather it just means they have a different problem than men. While most men have to spend tons of time swiping right in hopes of getting a match, women have to spend time reviewing and filtering many matches. Both are time consuming and both lead to online dating fatigue. At least in the pre-dating app world, the volume of matching was self-managing because men and women were forced to take the time to have some form of interpersonal interaction. I would also suggest that ‘easier’ is a relative term. Many of the same men that would have been successful in the pre dating app world are just as likely to be successful in the dating app world because both worlds favor physical appearance.
The Corporation in the Middle
The introduction of dating apps has essentially put a new ‘middleman’ between parties looking for a date. While there were always restaurants, bars and other venues helping to facilitate meeting a stranger, these venues didn’t get involved in the meeting itself and they certainly weren’t motivated to keep you from finding a relationship. Dating apps on the other hand have a massive monetary incentive to keep you dating. They do not want you to find a relationship because it would be bad business for them. Dating app companies have become the gatekeepers and master manipulators of the dating world. They are designed to be addictive because they want you to come back to the app. Even if you’ve just gone on the best date of your life, you can be rest assured that shortly thereafter you’ll get an alert from your dating app saying that there are other great matches out there waiting for you. The only option for feedback to the app to say that you are no longer looking is to delete the app entirely. Even the way you share yourself with others in the dating app world is based on the rules set by the platform; the content you enter, the way your content is shared with others and with whom your content is shared. Everything about dating apps is carefully designed by their creators to make the experience addictive and transactional.
I suppose these dating apps aren’t entirely unlike meeting someone at a bar. Bars often present an opportunity to meet several potential suitors and many people who meet at bars are making decisions based primarily on physical appearance. However, does the bartender line up your potential matches and make the introductions for you? Does the bar owner call you the next day to tell you about the ten potential dates you may have missed last night? Do they call you a few weeks later to tell you about all of the other potential dates that you’re missing? I think not. The same goes for all of the other physical, in-person social situations where strangers meet. In the virtual, app-based dating world, we have essentially empowered corporations to determine how we meet strangers. I bet Meta corporation already has virtual dating on their metaverse roadmap. Pretty soon we will go beyond worrying just about what our profile photos look like to worrying about our virtual avatars. Are they tall enough? Cute enough? Is my avatar wearing the right shoes?
Getting the Right Swipes in the New Dating World
Which brings me to HZD and why we’re focused on dating photography. We’ve witnessed and experienced the frustrations caused by the shift to online dating ourselves. We also recognize that with new dating paradigms need to come new services to help people adjust. We want to make dating better for everyone by helping people share the best version of themselves with the world (in this case, the virtual world). Our mission is to help you meet someone special so you can end the cycle of online dating, or to at least help give you that option, if that’s what you want. We want to help people feel better about the way they present themselves online so that they can get the most out of app-based dating. We believe that great dating photography can help people feel more confident that they are putting their best foot forward in the online dating world.
The next thing I will say is extremely important but also a bit cheesy - we feel that there’s somebody out there for everyone. The reason this is important is that it’s core to our values and culture. Everything we do and the services we offer are in the spirit of being true to one’s self and to who you really are - no fake personas or misleading profile photos needed. Lots of people ask us if we’ll help them create a profile that will generate more swipes right by showing them as someone they are not (i.e. “Can you put a dog in my photo?”, “Can we photoshop my body onto the top of Mt. Everest?”...you get the idea). We do not do this kind of thing as we believe it is counterproductive for everyone involved. Our goal is not only to help you get more swipes right but also to help you to get the right swipes.
We’re also not a dating app and we won’t help you ‘pick people up’. We believe there are enough of those types of services out there already and so we just focus on the photography aspect of dating. It’s remarkable that an entirely new generation of daters won’t know a world without dating apps. We think this new generation will face more dating fatigue and self-doubt than ever before. For instance, there are now so many confusing online dating behaviors that the world has had to come up with new words for them - ghosting, catfishing, orbiting (FYI: orbiting is when you break off direct contact with someone you're dating, but you continue to engage with their content on social media. You like their Instagram posts. You favorite their tweets. Etc.). Online dating has created a paradox of choice for some and a numbers game for others. We want to do something to help improve the cycle of swiping and disappointment.
Getting the Most out of Online Dating
Unfortunately we cannot change the way dating apps work. That ship has sailed. Nor can we change the business models of the companies that run these apps. However, we can change the way people use dating apps. When we first surveyed a sample of dating bios for example, we noticed that about 50% of men have obviously weak dating bios. They probably don’t even realize. Blurry photos, mirror-selfies, missing bio information, strange bio information; the list goes on. Whether this is a result of lack of effort or lack of know-how, either way, we believe the majority of dating bios can be improved to yield much better results. We’ve also noticed that many people don’t know how to use dating apps to achieve the outcome they desire. Helping people improve their dating bios is an important area where we can help.
Of course, using dating apps to get a date is only part of the problem. What happens when someone actually gets a real live date? What if they don’t ghost you and they actually show up? Since the majority of dates are now initiated through dating apps and many people have been in periodic lock-downs due to the pandemic, meeting someone in person for the first time can be intimidating. Making a great first impression (and getting a second date) requires interpersonal interaction, social skills and confidence. This is another area where we know people want help but it is a topic for another post. For now, we’re just focused on where we can have the greatest, immediate impact: dating profile photo photography.
Which Photos Should I Use?
Photos are clearly an important aspect of online dating and so with this in mind we have incorporated some feedback into our service to help our clients quickly choose their best dating app photos before waiting on feedback through an actual dating app. Not sure if you should go with the shirtless selfie or that picture of you at the wedding? Our photographers can help with that.
The Next Ten Years of Dating
Clearly the last ten years have been disruptive for the dating world. What does the next decade hold? We think in-person meetings and the classic ‘pick-up’ are still alive and well (or will be once we get this pandemic behind us). While perhaps it will be less and less likely to meet someone at a bar or nightclub over the next ten years, we think there will continue to be plenty of social gatherings where strangers can meet; at least we certainly hope so. While apps are great for some, as mentioned above, it’s difficult to ignore the fact that meeting a stranger in-person has its advantages.
Perhaps in the future, the masses will revolt against dating apps and there will be a mass exit from online dating platforms. While hard to imagine, it’s possible that these apps shift to users who focus on ‘hook-ups’ as opposed to long-term relationships. This shift seems to already be happening to some extent. A possible shift back to in-person social interaction to meet new people would be an interesting turn of events indeed. Maybe then self-confidence, in-person social skills and the ability to make a great first impression will become even more of an advantage.
Alternatively, it’s possible that the world goes even deeper into virtual dating. There are undoubtedly those out there that would prefer this route, as it could nearly eliminate interpersonal interaction almost altogether. I mentioned the metaverse earlier and I think that is a likely direction for dating apps. Within the next ten years it’s not hard to imagine dating apps that show you dating profiles in the metaverse. Your avatar could physically swipe right or left like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. You could evaluate profiles based on their physical world bio or their metaverse bio. I have no doubt that you’ll be able to take someone on a date entirely in the metaverse. The corporations will love it as they can continue to be the middleman and they will have even greater control over the interactions between strangers. Imagine the type of catfishing that could go on in the metaverse. At least if you’re ‘stood up’ in the metaverse it’s probably less of a hassle because you likely never even left your home.
We can imagine shifting from photographers doing photoshoots to designers creating 3-D digital avatars; although it would be awfully difficult to avoid fake or misleading personas in the metaverse. In a purely virtual world, perhaps people will start to care about your virtual property or your virtual car. It’s definitely difficult to envision how we will stick to our core values in a purely digital dating world, but we will certainly find a way.
Adapt and Keep Going
The next decade will undoubtedly include continued disruption and change in the way we meet and interact with new people. However, we believe that just like people can adapt to the latest dating app paradigm, we’ll all be able to adapt to whatever comes next. We also believe that in order for dating to be fulfilling, it will need to continue to include meaningful one-on-one interpersonal interaction in some form or another. To us, this means that the ability to share the best version of yourself with the world, and to approach dating with confidence, will continue to be critical to dating success.
Personally, I miss the dating world before there were dating apps but I certainly understand why it has evolved and how the evolution has been beneficial for some. Who knows what the future will hold but no matter what happens, if you’re looking for a relationship, it’s important to adapt. So do the basics to put your best foot forward in the new dating world - update your dating bio, get some new photos done, talk to a dating coach and get out to some in-person social activities (when it’s safe to do so); and most important of all, don’t get discouraged.
